June 8th, 2015
I wanna die. Just end it. But, I know that the mark won't let me die, not completely. Sometimes I think that being a demon would be better. Better than the pain. Let the mark have what it wants without having to worry about the guilt eating away at what's left of my soul. But then I think about what I did to you when I was a demon. How I took what I wanted from you without a second thought. Your screams echoing through the bunker. Screams that only fed the mark and my own sadistic need. How I tore your soft skin with my teeth and ripped you open from the inside. When I was a demon, I never shed a tear for what I did to you. Only after I was human again did my actions come back to haunt me. I know now that I deserve the pain. I deserve the guilt. I deserve the memories.
Why you stuck around after I was no longer a demon, I will never know. All it got you was more pain. The pain of my biting insults. The pain of my baseless accusations of infidelity. The pain of my hard fist against your beautiful face. I can't let that happen anymore. Not to you. So I sit here and try to drink away the pain until the rubber band breaks again with a sickening snap. When the mark compels me to sate it's hunger. I had to leave the cabin, in search of greener pastures. I knew I couldn't exactly go back to that bar where I beat that guy to death and it was the only one anywhere nearby. So I stuck to motel living. Only staying in one place until the mark made it necessary to move on.
Last night, I fucked up royally, y/n. I felt the mark searing in hunger again and had been drinking pretty much none-stop all day. And by 6:00pm I was pretty hammered. All I could think about was you. Your beautiful smile. Your warm skin under my fingertips. Your moist heat wrapped around my throbbing cock. I should have known better. The alcohol and memories of you only made the mark more ravenous. And for some odd reason, it seemed that just picking a fight with some random douchebag in a bar would not satisfy it's appetite.
She was a street walker, standing in the shadows on some random corner. When I passed her, I thought I had seen a ghost. A ghost of someone who was still alive. I slammed on the breaks as the breath caught in my thought. By the time she opened the door and got in next to me, I was trembling. She looked so much like you. The same color eyes and hair as you. The same fiery spirit as you. But at the same time, so different. Different smile. Different smell. Just... not you. But she was soft and warm. Something I had missed for so long. I pulled into a dark alley and we climbed into the back seat.
I reached out to touch her cheek and she pushed my hand away. She wanted to talk price first. Whether it was the mark or just my own selfish desire, something inside me didn't have the patience to wait. I grabbed her by the hair and slammed my face into hers, driving my tongue into her mouth before she could say anything. She squealed, pushing and shoving at me, but I knew I had the upper hand. She was nowhere near as strong as I was. But like I said before, she had the same fiery spirit as you. She dug her nails into my face, trying to claw my eyes out. I flung her face away from mine, bashing the back of her head into the window. She sat there, dazed, groaning in pain. I gave her a hard back-hand and her head flew to the side and hit the back of the front seat.
When I grabbed her legs and yanked her underneath me, she whimpered like a wounded animal. She blinked up at me, trying to clear the fog from her head and the look of terror in her eyes sent a wave of burning pleasure through the mark. She began to sob and beg me to let her go, but I was too far gone to even comprehend that she was speaking. Only hours later, when I was back in the motel, did her voice twist it's way into my head and into my heart. But at that moment all I heard was the blood rushing to my dick. She finally let out a scream when I yanked her short skirt up and tore away her panties in one quick jerk. Her fear made the mark heat up and the burn traveled up my arm and into my chest. The heat set the animal inside me loose. I shoved my hips between her legs and could feel she was dry, but I didn't care!
Oh God, y/n! I did it! I couldn't stop myself! No, wait... That's not true! I could have stopped! I just... I didn't want to. I wanted to feed the mark. My mark. I drove into her again and again because I wanted to be in you. And I knew that I couldn't because I knew what had to happen next. I knew where this road led. I wrapped both my hands around her throat and squeezed. And I didn't stop squeezing. When her eyes rolled into the back of her head, it sent me over the edge. The mark tingled like it had joined me in my orgasm. It was like nothing I had ever felt before, and I hate myself for admitting this, but I liked it. Long after I dumped the body, the mark continued to send orgasmic pleasure through me. It wasn't until the next day, could I feel any remorse for what I'd done to that girl. But when reality did hit me, I could only cower in the corner and shake. All I could see was her face and my hands around her throat. I didn't even know her name.
I want to stop. I really do! But then again, I love how it made me felt and I know that unless someone stops me, this will never end. I've done so many horrible things and it'll never stop. Never. I can't resist the mark's pull anymore. I'm so sorry, y/n! I know I've hurt you so much and I wish I could say that none of it was my fault. That the mark was in total control of my actions. But I can't. I wish I could say that I hate what's happening to me. But I can't say that either! I am resigned to the fact this is my life now. And I deserve it all.
I deserve this curse in all it's terrible finality.
I Love you forever,