I do not own any characters from Supernatural and I am not profiting from this work.
June 3rd, 2015
I thought keeping a journal of everything that's happening might help me deal, but writing to a book just felt wrong. So I'm writing to you. You'll never read this so, it really doesn't matter, does it? Anyway...
Never let be said that I didn't try. I tried my damnedest to get this fucking mark off my arm. I never told you or Sammy, but I even tried to lop off my arm with a machete, but the mark wouldn't let me. It did, however get me killed. It saved me and destroyed me all in one night. Dying and coming back a demon wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was after I was human again. The mark wouldn't leave me alone for a second. It burned non-stop. Only when I fed it, did I find any relief at all. And trust me when I say, it wasn't much. It feeds on violence and death. And the more I feed it, the hungrier it gets. The things that I did to those people should have given me nightmares. Hell! I shouldn't have been able to sleep ever again! But all I felt afterwards was relief. For a while.
You and Sam both tried to help me. I know you guys did the best you could. But your best just wasn't good enough, I guess. I know it was killing you to see me fall deeper and deeper into this abyss. And it was killing me to watch you tumbling in right along with me. If I didn't do something soon, I would hurt the people I love. Hurt you so bad that you'd never recover. Finally, I did the only thing that I could. I left. God knows I didn't want to. Not again. Not after you risked everything to bring me back to humanity. Or as close as I could come to it. But, I couldn't put you in danger from this curse. My curse.
I tried to cut myself off from the world completely. Live off the grid. But, that was a pointless dream that I should have know was doomed to failure. I stayed away from humanity for as long as I could, burying myself in the bottle. Letting the numbness take hold. But the mark would have none of that. It burned so deep that it felt like my blood was boiling and my head was gonna explode. And day after day, the pain only got worse. It felt like a rubber band was being stretched farther and farther inside my gut. It pulled tighter and tighter, until one night the mark would not be denied any longer and the rubber band broke.
I flew down the highway, not even knowing where I was going or what I was looking for. The mark drove me forward mindlessly like I was a robot being run by remote control. By the time I hit town, I had no idea what town I was even in. It didn't matter really. All that mattered was that the mark needed to feed. Feed on pain and violence. I sought out the one place that I knew would be the easiest to pick a fight. The local bar. I went inside and there were maybe a dozen guys scattered around the room with a few sitting at the bar, drowning their sorrows in booze. I walked up to the bar and asked for a double shot of Jack and sat scanning the room for a potential mark.
When I saw him, I dropped my head and smiled to myself. The mark liked this one. He sat sideways on his stool at the bar downing shots of whiskey like they were nothing more than kool-aid. And he was a giant of a man. I guessed he was probably 6' 5" and weighed a good 300 lbs. "Are you sure about this?", I thought at the blazing mark on the inside of my arm. It burned hotter and I had my answer. I downed the double shot in one gulp and stood up. I strode toward the other end of the long bar toward the hulking mass of muscle, timing my pace just right. He was bringing another shot up to his lips just as I passed him and I drove my shoulder hard into his, spilling the amber liquid all over the front of his shirt. The man spat a string of curses and stood up, facing me. He towered over me, but I only shot him a wide grin.
"You're gonna buy me another drink, Asshole!", the man growled. I just chuckled at him and turned like I was going to leave. I had no intention of leaving, but he didn't know that. Toying with him was part of the game, after all. He snarled and grabbed me by the shoulder. "Hey..." His words were cut off abruptly when I whirled around and slammed my fist into the side of his face. The mark seethed and roiled happily as I laid into the giant of a man. With every punch, it poked and prodded at me, egging me on. By the tenth punch, I had pretty much checked out. The mark was in control now and it wasn't going to stop until this guy was dead. It took three guys to pull me off of him and we were both covered in his blood.
When I snapped out of the mark induced haze, I stared down at the man lying at my feet. His face was unrecognizable. Just a bloody mass with bone sticking out in odd places. Someone knelt down and put two fingers against the big man's neck, looking for a pulse. He looked up at me with an expression of horror and I knew. I knew that I had beaten this man to death. The mark was singing in my head that I had done well. I jerked away from the men holding me and took off toward the door. I tripped over the dead man's legs and went down hard on my face, bloodying my nose. It was the least I deserved. I had given in to the mark yet again.
I jumped into Baby and squealed tires out of the parking lot. Speeding down the dark highway, I sobbed into the steering wheel, blood drying on my knuckles. The faster I drove, the louder I wailed. Until eventually, I realized that my sobs had turned into great peels of hysterical laughter. Laughter at the great joke that was my life. And it scared the piss outta me. I was finally losing the little sanity that I had been clinging to for so long. I thought about Sammy and what he would do if he saw what I just did. Would he ever forgive me? Could he? Would he want to hunt me like just another monster? I had to admit that if our roles were reversed, I would.
Then I thought about you. The time you spent in my arms and in my bed. You were the real reason I stayed sane as long as I did. Would it kill you if you knew the terrible things I've done since I left and the bloodthirsty thoughts in my head? I only pray that you can get on with your life without me. You'd be so much better off if you'd never met me at all.
By the time I made it back to the secluded cabin, the mark had already begun to stir again, grumbling in hunger. It was like having an evil twin, whispering in my ear. Whispering to cause pain. To kill. A voice that I could never shut out. It was a part of me.
A part that made me hate it and love it all at the same time.
Talk you again soon Babe.
More chapters coming soon.