Piquancy and Phantasm @bdz_fanfics
The Best Things in Life

Not long after leaving the diner, Lydia rounded a corner to slip into an alleyway. Glancing around, she assured herself that the coast was clear before she drew a door with her finger. Now hanging in mid-air was a portal that she had created with her own energy.

To her, it was more dramatic and more convenient than the incantation of those words she had known by heart. Ever since the self-imposed restrictions were lifted, Lydia had discovered her love for the power of BJ's juice that was now freely flowing through her. It had undoubtedly made traversing between the worlds exciting and yet, it was also empowering.

Stepping through the portal, it closed behind her the instant that she found herself within The Roadhouse. On the other side of the room, she spotted Beetlejuice, who was reclined on the couch with his legs crossed and reading a newspaper.

"Having fun?" He asked as he glanced up at her, an amused chuckle escaping him.

Lydia laughed. "Says the guy who likes to pop up in random mirrors."

Cackling, he folded the paper and tossed it aside. Lydia was barely able to set the takeout upon the coffee table before he had her in his arms. No longer concerned with keeping things PG, he made sure to feel her up thoroughly. With a laugh, she slid her hands over his shoulder as he roughly pulled her into a kiss. Entangling her fingers into his hair, she gently gripped and pulled on it until he groaned in approval.

With a loud, smacking sound, he broke the contact and chuckled while he licked his lips. His serpentine tongue dramatically swirled upon them to savor the flavor that she had left.

Her grin could not be erased from his display of affection, as a swell of emotions drove her on to place a kiss upon the tip of his nose.

"Keep it up, Babes. I got no problem taking you right here."

Tugging at her hips, he pulled her to his own. The sensation of his need pressed up against her nearly instigated a vocalization of her approval, but a tapping sound of the many feet that were coming down the stairs gave Lydia pause.

"Maybe next time." She toyed, thrusting her hips against his and triggering him to groan out loudly in frustration. Unwillingly he let her go just as Ginger came into the room all "ta t-ta" and tapping away. The spider's happiness seemed to bubble over with each successful combo.

Her smile widened when she came to a halt in front of the two.

"Oh! Lydia! You will never believe this, but I got an audition!" Ginger squealed, not noticing Beetlejuice turning away to hide any evidence of his body's response to Lydia.

"That's great Ginger. I hope that you get the job." Dabbing her lips, Lydia attempted to remove any trace of her smudged lipstick.

"Gig, honey. That's what we in show business call it." Ginger tapped to prove her point, demonstrating a perfect pirouette. "Thing is, the director said something about Spiders having too many legs. Can you imagine?"

Settling upon the sofa, Lydia propped up her head in her hands while leaning forward with interest.

"You weren't always a spider. Why don't you just... shift?"

"What are you talking about, Doll? Of course, I've always been a spider. I was born a spider."

Confusion spread through Lydia like a wildfire. Glancing in Beej's direction, he only offered a shrug.

"Tell ya what, Ging. Take a hike and let me and Lyds have a little alone time if you get my drift, and we'll come to watch ya fail at the audition."

"You're such an asshole, Beetlejuice!" Squeaking in surprise at her words, she turned to Lydia. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Don't mind me. I didn't mean to be so uncouth, but sometimes he just boils my blood."

Blood…

At the word, Lydia perked up.

"Don't worry about it. I'm used to his dirty mouth-"

"Damn right, you are," he growled and leered in her direction. "I still got a lot more for ya to get used too once this Eight-Legged Freak vamooses."

"Beetlejuice!" Both women cried out, completely incredulous at his response.

Looking between the two, then again, and finally once more, Ginger connected the dots.

"Oh my god!" She drawled out with a hint of a blush gracing her already pink cheeks. "I - I will l-leave you two alone."

"Ginger!" Lydia called out, but it was too late. The spider had vacated the room without even leaving a trace of webbing. "Oh, you are an ass." She said to her lover.

To that, he only sniggered.


The off-season in a town like Peaceful Pines ordinarily left the police department short-handed, and the entire police force could fit in one room. Even then, it would still have space for the whole fire department and its volunteers.

Shaking his head, the Chief looked around at his small ragtag bunch. In his opinion, the majority of his force was green; they were young, impetuous, and yet full of enthusiasm. In all of his years, he had never known a group to appear so uncertain when funneling into the briefing room.

Still, he didn't blame them; after all, photos of dead bodies never boded well.

Which also led to another fact about Peaceful Pines; never in all of its years had the town experienced two murders within two months.

"Alright, now, we have a problem, and it's not looking good. We are dealing with someone who knows how to cover their tracks. Two bodies; both placed in separate scenes to look like accidents, and both, prominent female members of the community."

Many faces of the officer's betrayed their emotions, as they exhibited disgust from the photos of the crime scenes that were now appearing on the projection screen.

The only officers who didn't flinch were the two that had been on both crimes scenes and were also partnered together. Officer Dichter's determined expression and Officer Brown's sympathetic resolve stood out from the group, and it offered the Chief hope for the unusual duo.

"At 1743, on the evening of her husband's funeral, the body of Mrs. Delia Deetz was found. Her husband, Mr. Charles Deetz, had died four days prior from proven natural causes due to complications of a cardiac arrest and had been interned in the Peaceful Pines cemetery. Their daughter, Lydia Deetz, who according to witnesses, left the funeral early.

"The body of Delia Deetz was located approximately three yards from her vehicle in a small ravine on Brinton Hill Road and was initially assumed to be a vehicular incident due to the weather. The scene of the accident was discovered and reported by Officers Brown and Officer Dichter. Later, the scene was recorded by Officer Mordelle."

By then, the three were the subject of attention from the others in attendance. Pursing her lips, Bertha ignored them and refocused her attention on the Chief.

"Medical Examiner Prudence Miller discovered a wound on the victim's neck that was dissimilar to all of the other identifiable injuries. The other lacerations were proven to have happened in postmortem, adding further proof that our victim was murdered. Additionally, in that particular neck wound, remnants of vegetation had been discovered."

It was at that time that the majority of the cops shared confused glances.

Raising her hand, Officer Mordelle interjected. "Vegetation? The report describes it as 'residue from tomatoes and squash.'"

The Chief nodded, and a murmur lifted from the tables.

"According to Ms. Lydia Deetz, Delia Deetz had a rendezvous with Doctor Maaya and did not expect Mrs. Deetz to be home that evening. Doctor Maaya had been her husband's attendant during the time of his illness. In Doctor Maaya's statement, he said that Mrs. Deetz did not arrive at their appointed destination. Furthermore, Doctor Maaya added that he had not heard from Mrs. Deetz since the funeral. Ms. Deetz also purported that at the estimated time of death of Delia Deetz, she was in the company of her family's friend and handyman, Mr. B.J. Beetleman. Mr. Beetleman correlated that her story was truthful."

"B.J. Beetleman?" Officer Mordelle smirked. "That's really his name?"

While the collective in the room snickered, Officer Bertha Brown stood up and slammed her file upon the table. She had apparently read ahead.

"This is ridiculous! You can't put Mr. Beetleman on the suspect list."

Reaching for her arm, her partner tugged her back into her seat.

"You can't eliminate anyone Bertha. We can prove it wrong later if we need to."

"If that's the case, then why is Lydia's name in there too?" As her eyes narrowed at him, his grew wide. He had never suspected…

"That would be my addition." During the commotion, a rounded man had walked through the door then stood tall and intimidating for all to see. His voice was commanding, and immediately, it had silenced the din within the room.

"Detective Bath. Glad you could join us." The chief spoke up, introducing the new arrival. "The detective here is joining us from 1st Precinct in Soho's Metropolitan Police Department in New York. For the past seventeen years, he has been on the cold case pertaining to the murder of the late wife of Charles Deetz, Mrs. Evelyn White Deetz."

Silenced by this new revelation, Bertha sat down. Lydia had never mentioned her mother. The only reason that she and Prudence knew that Delia was Charles's second wife was due to the sudden personality change that Delia underwent after Charles's death.

It was almost as if a veil had been lifted off of the woman, and she had returned to her senses. No one quite knew what to expect from Delia anymore, nor did anyone know how to comfort the grieving widow.

"As you can see, the possibilities are growing. Now, I have no intention of placing young Ms. Deetz under suspicion. I do, however, believe that she may be a central figure. After all, much of this tragedy had been the surrounding people within her company; Three parental figures, and a childhood schoolmate who was well known to antagonize the girl. It is my bet, and as Officer Dichter has suggested in his reports, that someone may be committing these atrocities for some dubious gains."

Turning her attention to her partner, Bertha was appalled that Allen would have made such a suggestion.

"Officer Brown, Officer Dichter." The police chief spoke with authority. "I am assigning you to work with Detective Bath. While both of you have ties that some might consider a conflict of interest, your work speaks for itself. Brown, you have the suspect's and had victim's trust. Dichter, you have never betrayed an ounce of discomfort on any case that you've been assigned to in this region. As for the rest of you; patrol. Keep your eyes open for any unusual activity and report to either myself or Detective Bath if you find any evidence that could lead to a plausible suspect for the murders of Delia Deetz and Claire Brewster."

"Chief?" After a gentle knock, a small voice came from the doorway. "I-I just finished the examination on… on Claire."

She and Bertha locked eyes for a second before Prudence felt the Manila folder be removed from her hands.

Furrowing his brow, he then looked directly at the medical examiner. "That's certainly more damage than we had originally thought."

"Yes, sir. Those wounds were indeed from a sharp object, not in line with the sculpture. Just like All-, I mean, Officer Dichter had suggested."

The Chief pinched his nose. "Alright. Go on, everyone out. This briefing is over."


Stretching her hands up over her head, Lydia flinched when her fingers and toes hit the edges of Beetlejuice's coffin. While laughing, she rolled onto her side.

Meanwhile, Beetlejuice was sound asleep, snoring loudly with his body covered by the raggedy-patched blanket. Rubbing her toes against his ankle, he snorted in surprise and popped open his eyes.

Caressing his chest, she trailed her fingers in a pattern that only she knew, before sliding it down and under the blanket. Right before she touched the one thing that he had most desperately wanted her to grab, she retracted and wrapped her arm around his waist. As she snuggled onto his chest, he groaned at her teasing.

Nope, he wasn't about to have any of that. Gripping her leg, he held it while spreading her thighs and then comfortably rolled into the newfound valley.

"Don't think that you can get away that easily." His voice was low and menacing. "You and I have all of eternity to fuck around, but that doesn't mean I'll take it easy on ya."

Wrapping her other leg around his hip, Lydia pulled him forward.

"It was a freak of fancy in my friend…to be enamored of the night for her own sake; and into this bizarrerie, as into all his others, I quietly fell; giving myself up to his wild whims with a perfect abandon."

Beej paused, watching her expression as she recited the words that spoke of more than just this moment. His demonic grin slipped from its carnal intent to feast upon the formerly virgin flesh, only to visually worship the beauty on his bed.

His bed.

Not a whore house. Not a stranger's room. No, he had a woman in his bed, willing and greedy for his touch. The way that she arched herself to graze her tender flesh against his cold hard body was proof enough of her own desires for him.

The vision of Lydia's tangled short hair, nude body, and her branded, covered neck in his coffin, raised his affection for her to higher levels than ever before. She was beautiful, and if he was ever asked, he couldn't deny that he was in love with his best friend.

"Aw Babes." Leaning the entire length of his body against hers, taking her lips with his own, and with more care, than he had ever had in their previous excursions, he entered her body. In the days since they became lovers, he had lost count of how many times that he had made her scream, how many times that she had left a lingering mark on his ghostly form, or how many times they had writhed together in a desperate attempt to be closer.

He could do this forever, and he planned on keeping her mind and warm, soft body busy for as long as she had left to live. Then, when she crossed over, he would really let go and show her exactly what a ghost could do.

Forcing him off, Lydia pushed him onto his back so she could take him for a ride while giving him the best view. His tongue stretched out to flick one of her nipples, causing her to giggle before he slapped the cheek on her rump.

"Beej!" She squealed with a laugh.

"That's nothing, Lyds! I'll warm ya up for some serious play time later." He chuckled at the blush that rose up within her body. "Hey, hey, don't stop. Come on, Babes. Ride. Show me what ya got."

For a moment, she froze, then bit her lower lip as the blush on her face grew deeper with every encouraging word that had slipped out of his mouth.

"Beetlejuice."

"Awww no! Come on, come on, come on. Just…. bounce a little."

"Beetlejuice!"

"Oooh, you are so lucky those words won't do shit anymore. Fuck, Lyds, just ride already. I need ya."

As she laughed, she wiggled upon him, and it was then that she slowly concluded that, in this position, she held all power over him. No matter how much she blushed, Lydia could not quell the power trip that grew within her.

"Uh…. Beetlejuice." She said for the third time, as her body clenched around him, and his throaty growl rose to near problematic volumes.

Falling over on to his body, Lydia couldn't stop herself from giggling like a teenager.

"Gods, I don't think I will ever get used to this." Kissing his jaw, she moved to give his ear a nibble. "Beetlejuice...I love you."

Tensing up his body, he craned his neck to look into the sweet expression of adoration that was upon her face. With a gentle touch to her cheek, he let his smile grow. Then in a slow kiss, he too figured that it was best to finally tell her.

"Ya know what, Babes?" He pecked her nose and then pressed his forehead to hers. "I think I love ya too."

"Think?"

"Yeah, that's pretty stupid. You know me well. Forget that I said that," but before Lydia's face could truly fall, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a tighter hug. "I love ya, Lyds."

Just as she was about to gush over with gooey, gory happiness, his finger pressed against her lips. "I just got one thing I gotta ask before you get all mushy on me."

Pushing against him, Lydia sat up and tried to cover herself with the blanket. Whatever she thought that he was going to say didn't compare to the words that came next.

"Lydia Deetz, I'm going out on a limb here, and I'm about to make myself look like an outta character fool from some crazy fangirls story but… would ya marry me?"

Stunned into silence, Lydia felt the urge to back away slowly and get into her clothes. Before she could raise her foot over the edge of the coffin, Beej pulled out a dismembered finger from a rotting corpse that wore a magnificent ancient ring.

Horrified yet fascinated, her hand came up to cover her mouth. Thoroughly enthralled and disgusted, Lydia began to shake her head until she nodded.

"Make up your mind already; you're giving me cold feet."

Ice blocks appeared on Beej's feet and touched her, triggering her to scream, before jumping out of bed and laughing uncontrollably.

"Leave it to you to ask me to marry you while I'm naked."

"So what? Want me to wait and try again?"

With a smile, Lydia picked up her discarded poncho and draped it over her body. Before returning to the bed, she leaned over while claiming the corpse's finger and kissed a confused Beetlejuice.

"Give me some time, and I'll consider it." With the putrefied digit in her hand, she walked out of his room.

Staring at his bedroom door, his face fell into an expression of bemused disappointment.

"Well, shit. Didn't see that coming."

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