South Park: Legend of Zaron – A South Park: The Stick of Truth Novelization Fanfiction by Fireball Dragon
Chapter #1: He's Here! The New Kid with the Power of Gale-Force Winds!
South Park belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central.
South Park: The Stick of Truth belongs to Obsidian Entertainment, South Park Digital Studios, and Ubisoft.
I only own the custom-made persona used for the New Kid.
"Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard.
For a thousand years, the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the humans' most treasured relic: The Stick of Truth.
But the tides of war are seen to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid – before the Drow elves can manipulate their mind and use them, to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whomever controls the Stick... Controls the universe."
It was a bright and sunny afternoon in South Park, Colorado. Perfect for playing outdoors. And many of the children in South Park certainly agreed, as they banded together to play their favorite LARP; Fighters of Zaron.
They played Fighters of Zaron with fun and enthusiasm, but things were only going to get better from there, as a new family was just about to move in, with a new kid joining in to play.
His name… was simply Gale.
Gale was… an odd sort of kid. Always moving from town to town for reasons he himself didn't even know. Sporting long messy black hair and a red jacket with a blue scarf, he had quite a contrasting appearance as opposed to the rest of his peers. Well, whatever peers he had at the time. He never really had much time to make friends.
Not like he didn't want to, mind you.
Always having to move with very little time to connect with anyone left him pretty lonely. But this time was going to be different. This time, Gale was going to move where he'd be there to stay. And he'd make plenty of friends along the way.
Friends, enemies, love, anger, sorrow… Gale would encounter all of these and more during his adventures in South Park.
Gale and his parents finally finished moving into their new house in South Park. The moving truck was still outside, the back virtually empty. Inside their new living room/dining room, Gale's parents were carrying the last of the boxes filled with their possessions inside. It took them quite a while to move everything in. But they DID eventually move everything in.
Putting down the box that was just in his hands, Gale's dad let out a huff of relief.
"Well, I think that's everything," said Gale's dad.
"We did it hon, we're really moved in!" Sighed Gale's mom in relief.
"It's a new beginning for us." Gale's dad said with a slight tone of triumph in his voice. "Things are finally going to be good!"
However, Gale's mom showed slight concern as she replied with "Do you really think it will be better for… him?"
Gale's dad understood what she was talking about and tried to reassure her by saying "They won't look for him here, we just need to make sure he doesn't attract any attention. Come on, let's see how he's doing."
They then went upstairs, and Gale's mom knocked on his door. "Sweetie?" She asked. "Hon, you all dressed?" And even though she respected his privacy by knocking, they asserted their authority as his parents by coming in anyway.
After opening the door, they saw Gale staring off into the ceiling, not sure what exactly was on his mind. Wanting to know just what his son was thinking, Gale's dad inquired with "Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?" Gale wasn't sure what to say.
"I know it's a big change for all of us, but…" Gale's dad followed up with. "Son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?" Gale was still at a loss for words.
"He doesn't remember." Gale's dad whispered to his mom. "He doesn't remember at all," she whispered back. "That's good. That's good he doesn't remember."
Now focusing back on Gale, his mom asked "Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"
"Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like… like normal kids." Added his father.
And finally, Gale spoke.
"So… I can finally make friends… Like a normal kid?" His voice was somewhat hesitant, making it clear he still wasn't used to this new move.
"Of course! Go outside and play!" His dad reassured. "We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie," Gale's mom added. "Just… be back before it gets dark."
Gale still wasn't sure what to say. At the time, he could only say "…Thanks."
"Yeah, we love you too." Gale's dad snarked.
As his parents left his room, Gale thought to himself. "God damn it, every time I get settled into a new place, we end up having to move. All I've ever wanted was to play with other kids like everyone else. But it never lasts. How can I be so sure this won't go wrong again?"
Gale put his hand on his forehead in annoyance. "Whatever. I might as well enjoy what time I have here. If I have to end up moving again, tough shit."
Suddenly, Gale heard some noise just outside his window. Catching him in surprise after being lost in thought, he decided to look outside. There he saw two kids, who had to be just around his age, apparently play-fighting on the sidewalk.
One kid was dressed like an elven warrior, with fake pointy ears, a wooden sword, and everything. The other was a meek-looking sort of boy with short blonde hair, dressed in some weird flowy medieval getup, fighting the elf kid with a hammer.
"Are they… LARPing?" Intrigued, Gale ran downstairs, grabbed the money his parents left on the kitchen counter, and ran outside his front door. His parents were elated that he was finally raring to go outside and play.
"Would you look at that, hon?" Gale's mom said with a smile. "I can't remember the last time Gale's been so full of beans."
"Hopefully it stays that way." Gale's dad replied. "I don't want them to come after us again." "Don't jinx it!" Gale's mom retorted.
"You shall die by my warhammer, Drow Elf!" The blonde boy declared. "Nuh uh!" The elf boy argued.
"I banish thee to the forest realm!" Said the blonde boy. "No way, I banished you first!" Just after saying that, the elf seemed to gain the upper hand in their little scuffle. "Ha HA! You can't hold out much longer!" He gloated. "HELP! SOMEBODY! I can't hold out much longer!"
Gale charged at the elf with righteous indignation. "Hey! You leave that kid alone, asshole!" He swung his fist across the elf's face, staggering him. "Hey, no fair. That's cheating!" Cried the elf kid. "I'm gonna tell my mom!" He shouted as he ran off. Breathing a sigh of relief, the blonde kid looked at Gale in surprise.
"Are you okay?" Gale asked. "That kid wasn't bullying you, was he?" The blonde kid then realized that Gale was new to these parts. "No, no," He assured Gale with. "We were just playing. It's all part of the game 'Fighters of Zaron.' All the boys in town are playing!"
Gale was surprised. "Everyone? Everyone's playing a single game?" "Well, just the boys." The blonde replied. "The Wizard King didn't want any girls to play." Gale wasn't sure what to say about that.
"Oh! I forgot to thank you!" The blonde then realized. "Thanks, kid! I didn't realize he had a health potion." "Uh, no problem." Gale muttered, still unsure what to make of this whole situation.
Finally, the blonde kid told Gale his name. "My-my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin!" "Butters?" Gale inquired. "What is that, your character name?"
"No, it's just what everyone calls me," Butters confirmed. "My real name's Leopold. What's yours?" "…Gale. I just moved here."
"Oh, I know that." Butters replied. "In fact, I live right next door to you. We should be friends!" "Friends?" Gale said in shock. "You… really wanna be my friend?"
"Well, sure!" Butters said. "Why the heck not?" Gale looked down in contemplation. "I've only met this kid for less than a minute, and he already wants to be my friend. …How long is this going to last?"
"Are you… okay?" Butters inquired. "Huh!?" Gale's attention was once again brought back to Butters. "Oh-oh yeah, I'm fine, I guess… Friend." Even though he said that, for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to smile.
"Well, that's good to hear! Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!" Butters said eagerly. "He has?" Gale was curious about this "Wizard King." Just what was he like?
"Where IS this Wizard King guy?" Gale asked. "The Wizard lives this way, in the green house, over there!" Butters then prompted Gale to follow him. Gale followed.
Butters wanted to know more about his new neighbor, so he decided to make conversation. "Hey, where're you from?" He asked. "…Illinois." Gale replied. "Where'd you live before moving here?" "Several places, but most recently, Louisiana." "Do you like Colorado?" "I've only been here for a day and a half. I wouldn't know."
"Well, I'm sure you'll love it here, just like me!" Butters reassured. He then knocked on the door of what was apparently the house of the Wizard King. The door opened to reveal a young boy who was dressed in wizardly clothing, and who was also very fat.
"All hail the Grand Wizard!" Butters declared. "Well, he certainly LOOKS like a wizard." Gale thought to himself. "But god damn, for a kid his age, he's really fucking fat."
"So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell-Banker." Said the wizard. "I am the Wizard King." Butters leaned over slightly to Gale. "His real name's Eric Cartman," he confirmed.
"But the time for talk is not nigh," Cartman retorted. "Let me show you my kingdom." Butters and Gale followed him inside.
As they went past Cartman's living room, Gale saw that Cartman's mom was sitting on the couch, watching TV. "Ooh, who's your new friend, Eric?" She asked. "Shut up, mom. Not now." He argued.
As they went further back into the house, Gale saw Cartman's backyard, which was decorated like a medieval kingdom. Or at least, the closest it could look made by a bunch of little kids. "Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!" Cartman announced.
"They must really be into this game to deck out someone's backyard like this." Gale thought in amazement. Walking over to a young boy with brown hair and a helmet, Cartman continued his narration. "Our weapons shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 Warrior."
He then walked over to another young boy with short brown hair, freckles, and a somewhat paler complexion, almost sickly, in fact. The boy happened to be tending to a cat inside a small pen, a small sign on the side labeling the pen "Stables." "Here you can you see our massive stables," Cartman continued further. "Overseen by the level 9 Ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."
"Well, that was awfully blunt." Gale silently chided. But just then, Cartman went over to a giant tent, where another kid happened to be standing.
"And here, of course," Cartman concluded, "is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in the kingdom." Gale was somewhat confused. They had a girl in their ranks? He leaned over to Butters and whispered, "I thought you said he didn't want girls to play."
"Oh, Kenny's actually a boy," Butters confirmed. "He's just playing as a girl right now." "What?" Gale said out loud, pretty dumbfounded at the revelation. Cartman stepped in to try and put things in context. "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how seems to be rolling right now." "…Okay." Gale just decided to roll with it as well, walking towards Cartman and Butters, who stood by his side.
"You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger." Cartman explained. "I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom."
Gale STILL wasn't sure to make of this whole situation. All the boys in this town playing some sort of LARP? What was the story? What was the goal? But he decided to just roll with it, because this was the first time people wanted him involved in a game as deep as this. It actually kind of tickled him.
"I know you are very excited," Continued Cartman. "It's time for your first quest. But first; please tell us thy name."
Gale cleared his throat. "Gale. My name is Gale." "Gale?" Cartman snickered. "Dude, that kinda sounds like 'gay.' What a gay-ass name."
Offended, Gale put his fists on his hips and retorted with "They call me that because I can control gale-force winds!"
"What?" Cartman asked dumbfoundedly.
Just then, Gale let out a sizably loud fart. Cartman and Butters covered their noses in shock.
"Holy hamburgers!" Butters cried. "Fuckin' sick!" Cartman yelled. But a few seconds after the fart dissipated, the two couldn't help but laugh.
"No, dude, that was actually a fuckin' killer fart right there." Cartman chuckled. "I think you're gonna fit in here just fine." Gale was actually somewhat elated to hear that. For a minute, he completely forgot about all the other times he had tried to make friends, only for those times to be ruined by having to move to a new place.
"Very well, Gale." Cartman decreed. "You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."
Not wanting to ask why Jew was a character class, Gale made his decision. "I choose the Fighter class."
Upon his choice, Cartman decided to announce, "We welcome to our kingdom, Gale the Fighter!"
"Hooray!" Cheered Butters.
"Now, please go and visit the weapons shop," Cartman instructed. "Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight."
Gale made his way over to Clyde. "Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler?" Clyde said in a somewhat forced manner.
"Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?" Curious, Gale offered him two bucks. "Don't waste your money on tips and rumors."
"HEY!" Gale shouted. "Are you gonna buy a weapon or not?" Clyde asked.
"Oh, fine, you little crook." Gale grumbled. "Gimme the Warrior's Blade." "Ah, a lovely purchase." Clyde said flatly.
After the somewhat dodgy transaction, Cartman then went up to Gale and Clyde. "Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and with the bravery of a noble knight - beat up Clyde."
"What!?" Clyde blurted out, flabbergasted. "Kick Clyde's ass, Gale." Instructed Cartman.
"With pleasure." Gale was still a little sore from Clyde tricking him out of two dollars.
"What'd I do!?" Clyde protested. "I'm the KING, Clyde," Cartman argued. "And the King wishes to be amused. Go on Gale, kick his ass."
It was time for Gale's first fight in Zaron.
Clyde was pissed. "I'm gonna kick your ass!" "Not if I kick yours first!" Gale retorted.
Cartman, overseeing the fight, instructed Gale with "All right Gale, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy." Gale then charged over to Clyde, and the two traded blows with their makeshift swords. Gale was actually able to deal a good amount of damage onto Clyde.
"Oh, hell yeah!" Cartman cheered. "Clyde's your bitch!" But surprisingly, Clyde was able to shrug off Gale's blows relatively fast.
"What the fuck?" Gale muttered. "Oh, yeah, Clyde's wearing armor, Gale." Cartman informed. "In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can." Taking a deep breath, Gale then continued his attacks, putting more and more energy into each swing of his sword, even managing to draw blood from Clyde.
"Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood!" Cartman remarked. "Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that." All this praise was actually kind of getting to Gale's head, as Cartman continued to instruct him.
"Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not to get hit in the balls." Regaining focus, Gale asked, "The important thing is to protect my balls?" But as he asked that, Clyde took this opportunity to attack Gale, staggering him.
Gale was sent bending over on one knee, glaring at Clyde, who had a smug grin on his face. "Ha! Way to leave yourself open, douchebag!" He gloated.
"No, no, I said PROTECT. PROTECT your balls," Cartman scolded. Clyde then continued his counterattack, but Gale regained his composure and successfully defended. Despite his defense not fully nullifying the damage from Clyde's barrage, it became clear from these first few exchanges that Clyde's stamina was running out at a faster pace than Gale's.
"YES! That's what I'm talking about!" Praised Cartman. "Dude, you're already WAY better than Clyde." Gale could see that Clyde was getting significantly pissed.
"All right," Cartman continued. "It is time to use your heroic powers. Using your ability takes Power Points, or PP for short." Clyde could not help but chuckle. "Hehehehe, PP…"
Infuriated, Cartman bellowed in argument, "IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM, THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING AND I SAY IT'S PP!" Gale had to force back his laughter at Cartman's little fit.
"Gale, use your Fighter ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!" Cartman then tossed a baseball and baseball bat over to Gale.
"What the hell?" Gale said dumbfoundedly. Cartman then explained. "This is your first Fighter ability, Gale: Assault and Battery. Use the bat to knock the baseball into Clyde's face." Gale was, once again, at a loss for words. "You DO have good hand-eye coordination, right?" Cartman inquired.
Choosing to roll with it like everything else in this weird-ass game, Gale then started to use his ability, but not before saying it out loud, like some sort of goddamn anime character. "Assault…" Gale threw the baseball up in the air. "And…" Gale prepared to swing. "Battery!"
The bat connected with the baseball perfectly, sending the ball right between Clyde's eyes, knocking him flat on his ass.
"Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Gale. Now do it one more time. Finish him!" Shouted Cartman. "What!?" Clyde yelled in irritation. "I was going easy. Take this!" The final exchange began.
Gale had finally gotten used to Clyde's movements, and Clyde ended up wasting the last of his strength. After swinging his bat straight a few more times into Clyde's helplessly crying body, Gale's victory was all but made clear. Gale had just won his first fight.
"Hahahaha!" Cartman cackled gleefully. "Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like 'Aaghghg, noo!' Hahahaha!" Gale held back a smile as Cartman regained his composure.
"Okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Gale. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic." "Relic?" Gale asked. "You'll see. Now come." Cartman headed inside the big tent and Gale followed. Little did they know that a darkness was festering inside Clyde. A darkness born of jealousy and humiliation.
But even HE did not know that from a faraway distance, the elven kid from before had been spying on Kupa Keep this entire time. Bringing out a walkie-talkie, he whispered, "Yeah, the New Kid's just joined their ranks. His name's Gale. He actually took down a level 14 Warrior on his first try!"
On the other side of the comm line, a boy in armor and a red poofball hat replied with "His first try? Fuck, that dude sounds dangerous!" But he decided not to focus on that right now. "No, wait, forget about him. Are the troops ready?"
"Ready on your orders, Ranger Stan." Stan then took a second to think, but then a kid in a green earflapped hat spoke out from behind him. "Stan. We must attack NOW." It was the Elf King of Larnion, sitting on his throne. "Got it, Kyle." Stan replied. "Drow Elves… Attack."
To be continued...