unless he keeps his mouth shut @neelix
a lesson title taken from A Primer For The Small Weird Loves by Richard Siken

Spock did not know how he had gotten here. His heart was racing, arms stiff at his sides as he stood in the sitting room of James’ home. It wasn’t as large as the house he grew up in, and while the Grayson Manor had always felt too big, Spock realized now that too small a room could choke you.

He didn’t dare move. James had guided him to the room, but barely stepped into it himself before saying he’d leave to make Spock a cup of tea. That was why they were here, tea. Tonight had been only his third “lesson” with Jim, which consisted mostly of Spock losing himself in James’ voice, or eyes, or the curl that fell into his face. After each one, as James helped Spock off Enterprise’s back, he would offer that Spock come inside for a cup of tea, and every time Spock had been fast to decline. It was late, he didn’t want to inconvenience James, he was already teaching him to ride, Spock didn’t want to impose. Tonight, James had pushed past the excuses, and Spock suddenly found himself in James Kirk’s sitting room, rooted in place, at a loss for breath, and staring at the books lining the walls. This was bad, this was wrong, Spock should not be in another man’s home. Spock should not be alone with another man.

James had no serving staff. They truly were alone. More than Spock had ever been in his life.

A hand on his shoulder startled Spock, and he spun, finding himself incredibly close to James. He took two, three stumbling steps back. Oh. He must’ve looked silly, startled like a child caught misbehaving, because James laughed. “It’s only me!” he held the hand up, still chuckling. “Sorry to sneak up on you.” his eyes seemed to catch more light than seemed possible, they glittered like a stone at the bottom of a fast creek.

“I- you don’t need to apologize.” Spock’s fist clenched at his side. “I’m sorry, I was just, I didn’t hear you coming, I was… distracted.” he was distracted again. Why did James seem to thrive off of Spock’s clunky apologies? Why did his smile only grow warmer whenever Spock flustered?

James brought the hand down, grabbing the tray he’d had balanced with the other hand (and thank goodness Spock hadn’t knocked it down in his graceless scrambling). He rested their cups on a table and gestured to the couch, “It’s fine, don’t worry, Spock. Do you want to sit?” To Spock’s horror, James took his seat on the same couch. Entirely too close, too intimate. Not something Spock could manage with another man. “I, oh, I should’ve asked how you take your tea, I’m sorry.”

“No, I- I like it like this.”

“You haven’t even tried it, Spock.” He had not.

If this cup of tea wasn’t the worst of his life, Spock suspected it would be the best.

Face burning with blush, Spock reached out and took a swallow from the cup, holding it with two hands. His eyes couldn’t reach James’. “Well, now I have.” he tried for a laugh. It died on his lips. “It’s delicious. Thank you, James.”

A touch to his arm forced Spock’s gaze from the design of the glass up to James’ face. His gentle smile. His eyes, not mocking him for a moment. “Your hands are shaking.” Why were they so close? “Are you cold, Spock?”

How could he ask that, when Spock’s face was burning with heat? Wasn’t it clear to the world, to every eye, that he was filled with hellfire?

“No.” he couldn’t bring himself to lie. He couldn’t think of a better excuse.

James wasn’t wearing his riding gloves any longer. He took the cup from Spock’s hands, and their fingers brushed, and Spock couldn’t control his breathing.

Tonight would be the end of him. Tonight he’d make the wrong move, and James would know, and everyone would know, and Spock would die over this boy.

His hands didn’t burn Spock’s. It didn’t hurt to be touched.

James sat the cup back on it’s saucer. “Is this alright?” now it was James whose eyes couldn’t raise to Spock’s.

“Yes.” Spock didn’t know what he was agreeing to, and then there was a hand on his arm. On his shoulder. Their eyes met and James was so close and that word, the gasp of permission, was Spock’s last breath before his lips were touching James’.

James’ eyes were closed. So was his mouth. So was Spock’s.

Spock couldn’t close his eyes. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move. He blinked out a tear and it was followed by many more when he finally pulled away. His hands on Jim's chest were a rock thrown in a perfectly still lake. James moved back too, like he’d been burnt. Maybe the unholy flames inside of Spock were burning James from the inside out, too. His face was pulled in terror as they stared at each other.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? I’m sorry.”

“I- I should go back home.”

“Spock.”

“I need- I’m sorry, I have to-”

“Spock!”

Spock’s hands came up, covering his face. It was hot, and wet, and he realized what an awful kiss he must’ve been. His first, maybe his last, and he'd ruined it.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you.” James reached out, “I- I don’t know why I… I thought you’d like it, I don’t-” Spock didn’t pull away from the hand that wrapped around his arm, warm through his sleeve. “Please, I’m sorry, please don’t go, I- I won’t again.”

The hands came down slowly, a sleeve wiped at Spock’s tears, “I’m not- James.”

In her stable, Enterprise whinnied. Spock considered that no one else but the two of them heard her, in this silent sitting room.

Spock initiated their second kiss, and his eyes were closed as well this time.

“I’ve never kissed a man before.” he admitted, wondering if James could hear his heart, too.

“I have." The words were loud for a whisper. They hit Spock's ears like a shout. James had kissed a man before. "Do you- would-” their hands met between them on the couch. James turned to face him with his whole body, one leg tucked under him as he sat. “Have you ever done anything more?” Spock shook his head. “Please… will you come to my room?”

Spock nodded.

1. a lesson 1137 0 0