see the real me, buried in the plastic @jyushihomu
001

“ every time i see you i just feel more alone. ”

 

it hurt to see him. she knew that it shouldn't; it just didn't make sense. the way that he made her feel at first was so nice… it felt like sitting directly in the line of a ray of sunlight, gentle warmth on an otherwise cold day. he was so sweet and funny, and everything that he said made her insides feel fuzzy. it was like living in a fairytale. it was so strange to think that of all people, this warmth and love was directed at homura. 

it was hard, because she knew it was something that she couldn't keep. it was like passing by a store window and seeing what you could have had if only you could afford it. what was she worth other than the sleazy attention she could scrounge up from creeps on the internet? what could she do other than endlessly try to work to be the surface-level dream girl that all of these shallow people wanted? there was nothing to 'get to know' about her. Even now, even after the time she'd spent with jyushi, she couldn't understand what he saw in her.

it wasn't like any of the people she'd met before, the ones who tried to use her or only cared about the version that existed in their own heads… he truly cared. and she cared about him.

it hurt to see him. she knew that it shouldn't; it just didn't make sense. the way that he made her feel at first was so nice… it felt like sitting directly in the line of a ray of sunlight, gentle warmth on an otherwise cold day. he was so sweet and funny, and everything that he said made her insides feel fuzzy. it was like living in a fairytale. it was so strange to think that of all people, this warmth and love was directed at homura. 

it was hard, because she knew it was something that she couldn't keep. it was like passing by a store window and seeing what you could have had if only you could afford it. what was she worth other than the sleazy attention she could scrounge up from creeps on the internet? what could she do other than endlessly try to work to be the surface-level dream girl that all of these shallow people wanted? there was nothing to 'get to know' about her. Even now, even after the time she'd spent with jyushi, she couldn't understand what he saw in her.

it wasn't like any of the people she'd met before, the ones who tried to use her or only cared about the version that existed in their own heads… he truly cared. and she cared about him.

that's what made things so god damn hard.

    --

    " please don’t hate me. "

    the words came out shaky, afraid and uncertain. she had to do this though; jyushi deserved the life everyone desired. one day he would find someone worthwhile… someone who wanted a family and someone who could trust, someone without such hangups around intimacy… someone with a future.

    he seemed confused, his head tilting to the side a little. for a moment, she wondered if he could hear her over the pouring rain. how fitting, she thought. funny how the day was as dreary and gloomy as she'd pictured it. 

    " I don't! ...what do you mean? "

    she fell silent. saying more would take time, with the way her throat felt sealed shut with emotion. 

    " hey, what's wrong? "

    " i… I'm sorry, jyushimatsu. I've wasted your time. I need to leave. we can't be together. "

    The finality in her words hurt, burned and stung her throat and her eyes. but this is what love is, isn't it? doing what will make your beloved happy, even if it breaks you? how bittersweet, she thought, that a dead-end girl like her could learn what love was before it all crashed down again.

    but, before she could turn and leave, he asked her why, so pitiful and full of pain that she stopped. for a moment, she said nothing; he would understand one day… right? but maybe he wouldn't. such a sweet person who sees the good in everyone, even her, might hurt more without an explanation.'

    " I'm not meant to be in love… I'm not as good as you think I am. "   

    " but i- I love you! "

    her chest aches, and her stomach turns. I love you too, but I dont deserve it. 

    " i… why would you? I'm 20 and I have nothing to show for it… I don't want the life everyone wants, and I'm afraid of everything… why would you love someone who was broken before she even met you? "

    before she can continue, he pulls her into a tight hug, his shoulders shaking with silent tears, and it's not long before she breaks down too. she holds him tight, wanting desperately for this not to be the last time. hope, that cruel feeling, bubbles in her chest.

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