Sorry I haven't updated in a while! You know the routine. I've been busy and all that boring stuff. Thank you all for continuing to read and support this story! This chapter is a little more M rated. Just so you know.I hope you enjoy!
When Maya walked out of her last final exam of her first semester of university she was sure she had never been so tired. Her whole world had revolved around going over her notes and doing practice questions ever since thanksgiving.
Her whole body was flooded with relief as she stepped out onto the street and felt the cold air sting against her skin. It was all over. She didn't have to think about school again until well after christmas. All she had to think about now was christmas shopping, watching bad holiday movies all hours of the day, and taking Hudson for long walks in the park so he could play in the snow. Within the week Riley would be home and they could go and see all the window displays in the big department store, the way they used to when they were kids. They would go ice skating at rockefeller centre. Maya hated it, the cliche act that it was, but it was something Riley looked forward to every christmas. So Maya braved the tourists to make her best friend happy.
Soon they would all be headed up to Pennsylvania to spend christmas at the Matthews house, the same way they had the year before. Maya's stomach felt warm when she thought of it. Christmas at the Matthews held a special place in her heart now. She had never had a big family, so being cramped together in a house full of people arguing, and laughing, and shouting across the room to be heard, was all sort of a novelty to her. It was what she had always imagined a christmas might be like in a 'normal' family. Wrapping paper everywhere and so much food that there was no way the world anyone could ever eat all of it.
There was nothing wrong with the way she had celebrated christmas growing up. She wouldn't trade those quiet mornings she had spent with her mother for anything in the world. But there was something about christmas with the Matthews. She would never again have a christmas like she had had growing up. She held onto those memories, but she relished in her ability to make new ones.
Then there was Josh. She had hardly seen him since thanksgiving. She'd been so busy studying that they'd only been able to meet up a handful of times, always just a quick lunch or cup of coffee between classes or study sessions. Maya thought it was probably good that she'd only met up with Josh in public over the past few weeks. Seeing as lately every time she saw him she could hardly control herself. It was as if a flip had switched in her head and the only thing she could think about when she was around him was his hands on her skin. It was as if a whole new burst of hormones had awoken in her and she didn't know how to turn them off.
She wanted to be with him. She wanted him. But she didn't know how to bring it up. She didn't know how to broach the topic of sex with him. Maya thought that there was still a part of Josh that was holding back with her. There was still a part of him that thought that she was bound to break and come apart in his hands.
But Josh was a guy. A grown man who had been to college and had a job. Who had experienced more of the world than she had. It's not like she wanted to keep him waiting, but before now it had never felt like the right time. But now she was sure and she was ready but she was also scared. Scared of what Josh would think of her. Scared of things she didn't know.
It was snowing softly as Maya walked back to the dorms. It was the last night she would spend there before she spent the rest of break back at home. It was also Sasha's last night before she flew home to spend the holidays in Indiana with her family.
"Party!' Sasha shrieked as Maya came through the door. Maya shushed her. The dorm was still technically on quiet hours as most students weren't finished taking their exams yet.
"Sorry!" Sasha said quietly, getting off her bed and pressing the bottle of tequila she had in her hand into Maya's.
"But we need to celebrate. We finished our first semester of university in one piece!" Sasha squealed.
" a few other girls from the floor who are finished are coming cover, they're on snack detail. Who needs to brave the cold when we can have our own party right here?" Maya rolled her eyes at her friend but took the bottle from her hands and took a swig. They were celebrating after all.
It was hours later and the bottle of tequila lay empty on the girls dorm room floor. There was an empty pizza box laying beside it and open bags of chips and boxes of candy. Two girls from down the hall, April and Leah, were passed out already, one on Sasha bed and the other on a bean bag chair in the corner.
Sasha and Maya huddled together on Maya's bed, giggling about Maya had a flash of seriousness.
"I think I want to have sex with Josh tomorrow." Maya blurted out without really thinking what she was saying.
"What like you haven't before?" Sasha quipped back. Maya didn't respond which caused Sasha to look over at her.
"Have you not?" Sasha almost in shock.
"Why does everyone just assume that we're sleeping together? You. My dad, my friends." Sasha let out a sigh.
" I don't know. It's just like he's hot and you're hot and generally when two hot people get together they get...hot." Sasha took a breath
" and I mean he's older and you've been together for a while so I just thought that…"
"Well we haven't. Not yet." Maya clarified.
"And it's not that I haven't wanted to it just that.." Maya wavered off.
" have you ever done it before?" Sasha asked carefully, watching Maya's face for her reaction. Maya didn't answer at first. Considering what she wanted to say.
" I don't really know." Maya said carefully. Sasha looked at her in confusion.
" It was almost a year an half ago. Right after my mom died. I was In France for this art program. I was pretending to be okay, but i was really messed up at the time. There was this party and I was drinking on my anti depressants. It got out of was this guy…" Maya paused for a second, trying to pull together her thoughts.
" I don't remember much. It's all flashes. I remember him on top of me. I remember him touching me but after that it's all blur. I was never sure. So I ignored it. I pretended like nothing had ever happened. Maybe it didn't. Maybe it did, but …."
"When I woke up there I was sure. Sure that I was just some dirty used up sad girl who made yet another mistake but i've always been quick to believe the worst in myself. Part of me thinks that nothing really happened, that i've built it up in my head to be worse than it was but…" Maya trailed off again. Sasha was quiet for a minute.
"It might not be my place to say, but I think that you'd If you feel like you're a virgin, then you're a virgin, be damned what anyone else says."
"And not that it's my business, but from what i've seen of your boyfriend I don't think that he'd care either way. That boy is head over heels for you. It's like you hung his sun in the sky."
"Oh please" Maya hushed her.
"It's true. You might not see the way he looks at you but the rest of the world does. " Sasha promises.
"And I think that if you tell him, you'd see that."
Maya stared up at her ceiling and let all the thoughts stir around in her head. Was Sasha right? Or would telling Josh only ruin everything that they had built together so far?
Maya felt her nerves mounting as she climbed the stairs to Josh's apartment. He had finished his last exam that day meaning that they were both officially on winter break. She felt herself getting jittery as she came closer and closer to Josh's door. Part of her wanted to chicken out, invite Josh to go christmas shopping and stay out in public where she was safe, but deep in her gut she knew that now was the time. She wanted to be with Josh, and if she wanted to be with him she needed to be honest with him and hope that he still wanted her.
It was the act of getting up to the conversation and then having the conversation that had Maya on edge.
She paused for a moment before knocking on Josh's door. After she entered the apartment there would be no going back for her. This was it. It was time to move forward, one way or another.
Maya knocked quickly on the door before she could think too much more about it.
It wasn't a minute before Josh pulled the door open and greeted her with a smile so wide and genuine that it made Maya's heart ache.
"Hey!" Josh said as he pulled her into the apartment and towards him. He pushed the door closed behind them and pulled her against him, wrapping his arms around her.
He kissed her deeply and Maya felt herself melt into him.
"I missed you" Josh muttered against her lips. Maya smiled against him.
" I missed you too." she admitted.
Maya shrugged off her coat and kicked off her boots before Josh pulled her deeper into the tiny apartment.
"School is finally finished and now we're free to do whatever we want." Josh stated as he sat down on the couch and pulled Maya down with him. He pulled her close into his side.
"And yet this is the only thing that I want to do." Maya said before she could stop herself, pulling Josh's face back towards her.
He kissed her again with no hesitation. It had been so long since they had been alone together like this and neither one of them seemed able to control themselves. It wasn't long before they had fallen backward, Maya's back pressed against the couch cushions with Josh on top of her, his legs on either side of her, one hand wound in her hair and the other just beginning to inch its way under her shirt.
Maya could hardly breath as Josh kissed her, on her lips, her neck, her collarbone. Her whole head went fuzzy as she got lost in his touch.
Maya felt him grow against her and wanted more than anything to let herself go and lose herself in the moment. But she couldn't. If she was going to do this she needed Josh to know what was going on. She didn't want to lie to him, even if it was just a lie of omission.
"Josh." Maya finally said once she could bring herself to speak. Josh moved off of her immediately, the tone of her voice letting him know that something was wrong. He sat up, and Maya sat up with him, pulling her top back into position on her body and holding her arms close to her chest in self consciousness.
"I'm sorry." Josh said abashed.
"I didn't mean to pressure you or"
"No it's not that." maya reassured him, reaching out to touch his arm. Maya didn't want him to think that he'd done anything wrong. This was her..
"It's just that." Maya could feel a her throat go try, and she suddenly felt like she could hardly speak. Her hands were shaking.
"I need to tell you" she got out before her voice started to shake and she had to stop. She could feel the tears starting to well up in her eyes and she tried desperately to hold them back.
"Hey, hey,hey" Josh said quickly, turning to her and taking her hands in his.
"It's okay." he promised, reaching out to turn her chin so that she was looking in his eyes.
" you can tell me anything." he prompted.
Josh sat quietly as Maya spoke.
She told him about France. About feeling lonely and isolated, about pretending to be fine when she talked to him or Riley or Shawn. About how she thought that if she acted like she was okay than she would be.
She told him about getting drunk and not being able to see straight. About feeling more alone than she ever had in her whole life. About the guy. About the flashes that she remembered and all the gaps she couldn't fill in. About not being sure what happened. About feeling ashamed.
Josh hadn't let go of her hand the whole time she spoke but he squeezed it at that last thing she said.
"Are you okay?' he asked softly, watching her with concern. Maya was staring down at her hands wrapped in Josh's.
" I've just been holding this all in, and trying to figure it all out and I feel like i've let you down and "
"Don't do that. You're not letting me down." He promised.
"I'm not going to hold against you some mistake you made when you were broken. No matter what did or didn't happen. It's over now." Josh reached out and wiped a stray tear that was rolling down Maya's face.
"It was a mistake. People make mistakes. I make mistakes, and we're going to make more. That's life. Right now there's nothing you could say or do to me that would change the way I feel about you. I mean does the idea of someone else touching you make my skin crawl? A little. But it was a long time ago and as long as you're okay, i'm okay." He promised. Maya felt her eyes beginning to brim with tears again.
" I don't deserve you." Maya muttered, leaning her forehead against Josh's shoulder.
"Don't say that either." Josh stated, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her back into him. They sat there for a while, Josh holding her close to his chest as if hoping he could make everything dark that had ever happened go away.
"It's always you, you know" Maya said quietly.
"It's always going to be you."
Slowly, Maya got to her feet and extended her hand to Josh. He took it and without saying anything Maya led him backwards into his bedroom.
They stopped at the foot of his bed and Maya looked up at him carefully. She took a step towards him so there there was less than a breath of space between placed her hands on his shoulder and slowly pushed the hoodie he was wearing off his shoulders in a slow, careful movement, not breaking eye contact with him. She slowly unzipped her own sweater and let if fall off her body.
She reached out for Josh's hands and placed them on the edge of her t shirt. She raised her arms and without hesitating Josh pulled her shirt up and over her head in one movement. He closed the space between them in half a step, kissing her the same way he had before, but somehow, although Maya didn't quite understand how it was possible, with more passion than before.
Maya pushed up Josh's shirt and he yanked it off with such speed that Maya was surprised he didn't pull a muscle. He pulled her close again and Maya could barely breath as they kissed. She reached down to fumble with the snap of her own jeans and had even more trouble with Josh's belt buckle. Her casted hand was practically useless and she couldn't help but laugh as she struggled to undo his belt.
When Maya had imagined this moment she had never imagined any laughing, but in all honesty there were part of it that were funny. Her inability to undo Josh's belt without his help. The fact that she'd warn tight pants that day and had had to lay on her back on the bed and have Josh yank at one leg after the other. She was glad that she could laugh. That in these moments leading up to intimacy she still felt so comfortable with him. She thought maybe it was because they had been friends first. That because they had spent years building up to this moment, it was that much easier to feel safe.
Josh crawled onto of her on the bed, both of them just in their underwear now. This was the farthest they had ever gone, but Maya didn't want to stop. This was the moment. This felt right.
Josh struggled slightly with the clasp of Maya's bra and her arched her backup to give him more room to maneuver. Her bra fell away and Maya gasped as she felt Josh graze against her. His hands wandered every inch of her body and Maya could hardly hold herself together as she felt his fingers against her skin.
The rest of their clothes fell away until there was nothing between them, just skin against skin. Josh nearly knocked his bed side lamp over as he reached for the bedside table drawer for something.
Maya had thought she would feel nervous or scared, but as she looked up into Josh's eyes she felt entirely at ease.
"Is this okay?" Josh asked, hovering over her and waiting for the go ahead, not wanting to push the boundaries without her okay. She nodded.
"Yes." She said breathlessly, looking up into his eyes.
Maya couldn't stop herself from gasping as she felt Josh push inside of her. Her whole body felt as if it were on fire. She head spun as Josh kissed her and they moved in time with one another.
It felt like a first time, in more ways than one, and now she really knew what it felt like to be falling in love.
Ahhh! Here we are. I know this is a controversial chapter for a lot of people but here it is! This is what it is! So yeah! Hope you enjoyed!